Christina

Left my sweets at the hospital about 20 minutes ago. Probably just has the flu, but there's no way to be certain all his INSANE symptoms aren't tied somehow into every other health thing that's going on. Half the time it seems like there's nothing tying it all together.

They'll at least keep him overnight.. with any luck, they'll also get some kind of clue into what the heck is going on with his health the last couple months.

Dear personal growth:

F-ck off. I don't want to see your face for a while.

C

We're going to visit my family for Thanksgiving, unless things go poorly at the VA Clinic tomorrow for Tab. Please pray/meditate/knock on wood, as per your personal tradition, that they have some good answers there tomorrow.. things have been a little scary lately, health-wise.

In terms of the MI family, however... I am already shaking my head and wondering how I come from anything resembling the same genetic tree as these people. The moment the holidays begin appearing, it's like the microcosm that is the family begins tearing itself apart.

I find myself wondering, frequently, why they bother pretending so hard that they even care for one another. You don't say horrible, vicious things to people you care for. You don't manipulate, lie, steal, and cause drama. You don't let envy overtake positive feelings. Basically, you don't act like the Supreme General of Douchery if you ACTUALLY LOVE SOMEONE.

Myself, I'm very removed from all this, except wondering why I decided it would be a good idea to visit this again.. and why the hell I'm dragging Tab into the insanity of it all.

I'm not part of their political games, I'm not getting involved, except to offer an ear as requested. They aren't part of my lives, anymore, at all. In fact, were it not for my mother, I would have NO relationship with my siblings whatsoever... we parted ways, and that's alright in my book since our lives are so tremendously different. When I want family, I have amazing friends in my life that actually know who I am, and wouldn't go out of their way to make me feel shitty about it.

So, yeah. I don't get them. I will go this week, and try to make some connections anew... but mostly just let Tab know where the hell I come from, and who the people are that he's somehow distantly connected to by being a part of my life.

My "perfect" answer to this is an awesome experience they wouldn't have thought of themselves, that will expand their world in some way. I'm a big fan of a mini-adventure as the solution for a gift, because it's not about the stuff but rather about giving that person an even more awesome life to look back on later.

It's an interesting thing, when you meld your life with someone else's, to try to determine your path and purpose.  There's a new balance to take into account, as you move from me to we.

I find myself struggling, in recent times, to strike that balance correctly.  I was meeting with an entrepreneur in the city a month or so ago, multi-millionaire and projected NY Times bestseller.. and he was very interested in helping me to find a successful path.  When I described my current projects, he was curious what put me on the path I am, and why I'm doing it.  In his words, "I can see how you'd enjoy that, but it doesn't seem like enough for someone like you."  The only answer I could give him: "I do this because of my boyfriend".

It almost hurt to say it, and I didn't want to look the guy in his face.  Since when am I ordering my life, my priorities, and even my professional goals because of a man?  Since this year, apparently.

I don't know right now if this is a good thing, or if this is a bad thing.  I love my boyfriend, I really do.  And I know he won't do these things without me, because someone has to move the pieces I move, and it's not stuff that he's able/willing to do.  

So the question becomes: is this what I really want to do?  And how do I even figure out the answer to that little question?

This all sounds like fun... and definintely challenging projects... but it's not really stuff that I'm passionate about.  I don't really care all that much about gaming.  I don't really care all that much about any of the individual components we're going to be putting together as parts of our future business.  I do care about being part of a community, about being successful and stable, about having flexibility and financial independence, and about making a positive difference while accomplishing the above.

I'm seeking, then, to determine the right balance before I commit myself too far in one direction or the other.  I know that I can't spend my life working on things only because it makes someone I care about happy, but neither can I ignore that very real factor and its necessary influence over my decisions.

::sigh::

Any best practices from those who have been here?

I have all this negative energy bottled up in me right now... just became totally aware of it, and want to get rid of it in a productive way.

There's someone that I'm just not willing to be reasonable about right now, and even hearing their voice makes me angry.  I know I'm being unreasonable, but I felt betrayed at one point, and so I said: F this reasonable and nice crap, you're no longer on my "okay" list and you can kindly piss off.

But, it seems I wasn't done there.

Already went for a walk today... maybe will go for a run after I finish packing to get rid of some of the excess I'm carrying right now.

Glad I'm playing my character that's cool with anger this weekend, that may help.  Then again, the person will possibly by there, so that's going to be an exercise in both frustration and release.

RAWR.

So.. I'm about one more pep talk from being pep talked out.


Which may result in the following non-productive rant:

Quit whining, quit being lazy and quit feeling sorry for yourself.  I can only say "you'll figure it out" or "it's okay" so many times before I"m done coddling.  You need to get off your ass, get over the hurdles life threw at you, and DO something -ANYTHING- to make your life how you want it to be.  No one else is going to do it, so stop waiting for them to just hand you what you want.



Rawr.

rantrantrant, rantrantrantrant, rantrantrantrantrantrant.

I would say more, but it would not become me.

MRAAAWWWRRRRRRRRR.

:)

What a wonderful experience this weekend was!

-Learned that I can work 50 hours in three days, and still be coherent and capable of making good decisions
-Trained nearly 100 students how to go back and engage others in leadership opportunities on-campus
-Kept my mouth shut and demeanor pleasant when I disagreed strongly with my  client; now there's some positive personal growth!
-Networked with someone that I REALLY want to do more business with.  Every time I work with this guy I learn new things
-Working on learning Photoshop and increasing my skills, which is coming along nicely.  Eventually I'll be able to CHARGE for my designs!
-Missed my baby when I was gone.  Sometimes living with someone is hard; good to know I missed him.
-Picked up the plague from one of the staff we were working with it.  Have subsequently drank an entire coffee pot of veggie broth today.
-Starting to network with the mucky-mucks at Mehron to see if we can build a beneficial relationship, given what we do and what they do.  Knock on wood!

I feel like I'm avoiding the truth.
But maybe I'm just emotional.
Bah.

Well, here we go!!!

Spent a few hundred bucks today on supplies, ink, specialty paper, labels, etc... and tomorrow morning off goes a round of marketing to solicit advertisers for the calendar.

It became remarkably real, all of a sudden today, when I realized that my company letterhead and signature are going out to a whole bunch of people along with a request for them to give me money.

Terror and excitement feel a lot alike, in case you were wondering.

KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!

-Life is crazy... I feel like I'm not getting anything done, but since I'm spending every damn hour of every damn day working on it, something must be moving somewhere.  Or else I completely fail at productivity.  Pretty sure it's the former.

-Had the canoe trip - went awesome!  Small party afterward with, like, 18-20 people or so.  Lots of fun, definitely some shenanigans, and only a few isolated pockets of drama.  I'll consider that a win.

-Working my ass off to make a calendar as a fundraiser for Crossroads.  It will be amazing - we have really pretty girls, I'm working on vendors, advertising, possibly getting costume donations, sites, poses, photographer, distribution, etc.  Lots to do, lots already done, feeling pretty good about it.

-Have designers and programmer for Crossroads website on the job.  VERY excited about what's going to come with that.  We're doing the site in stages - so stage one will be up probably in a few weeks, just very basic donations and info-page type stuff.  Gen 2 will hopefully come before February, and will be insane.  No, really.  I'm so excited.

-Went to the Kids' Event this weekend, which was interesting.  Kids are bloodthirsty little savages - nothing like hearing a five-year-old screaming "Die! Die! Die!" while hitting your friends in the face with a giant foam hammer.  ::shudder::

-Took over as "Plot Coordinator" for Crossroads, also.  Really want to eventually find someone for that position - it will likely be homegrown from a plot writer rather than recruiting a Coordinator directly.  It'll be fine, just one more thing that's not currently making me money for my time.  Rawr.

-Realized how completely out of touch I am with my family.  I hardly even speak to my Mom anymore, and we used to talk on the phone at least once per day.  Not sure if it's a good thing, a bad thing, if it' makes me a bad sister.  Need to reflect on it sometime when I can be objective about it, and see if it's something I should do anything about.

-Sauna is up and running at the house.  I love it.

I think I drank too much emotional coffee when I was a kid and thoroughly stunted my development... what the HELL is up with now knowing what I'm feeling lately?

Either it's nostalgia for leaving a place I've loathed, despised and abhorred living... or it's terror over the move tomorrow.  And since when the fuck did nostalgia and terror feel even remotely similar?

::sigh::

Perhaps ten years of extreme therapy would fix my retardedness...  but until the happy day I become at least a thousandaire, I"ll just deal with my own self and rant occasionally on LJ. :D

I've been very unhappy with myself for some time, now, but not really doing anything about it.  Screw inaction and self-pity, says I!

For a variety of reasons, I let all discipline fly out the window a couple years ago.. physical, mental, professional, all of it.  I've had bouts of incredible motivation, followed immediately by periods of crippling lethargy and an unwillingness to do the basic things I need to do.  I've thought multiple times about going back to a doctor and trying to get on disability just to gain a little financial stability and some ease from the stress of my past mistakes (also all made about two years ago), but then I'm not willing to go through the steps I'd have to do to do that... medication, hospitals, doctors, blah blah blah.  BTDT, so not interested in re-visiting.

Instead of that route, then, I'm trying very hard to kickstart my life and get on track again.  To an outsider it might seem like I have a plan, things are together, and I'm generally a pretty happy person.  To me, I have no longterm plan, scrape things together when they urgently need it, and am hiding behind a facade of positivity so that I won't be the "downer" in the group.  And it works.  I'm a trained actress, for goodness sake: if I can't put on a front worthy of a Tony I'd be wasting a tremendously expensive education.

But screw living a fake life - I want to actually BE the person I represent myself to be.  I want to have it together, I want to know where I'm headed and how I intend to get there, and I want it to be easier to get my ass out of bed and face the day with joy instead of dread.

To do that, I'm trying something a little drastic this week and may continue it indefinitely if it seems to be helping.  Basically, I'm doing a modified juice fast.  Did a whole bunch of research, and picked up a rather large and nifty kitchen appliance that takes whole apples and grinds them into a few ounces of nommy fresh juice.  It does other fruit and veggies, too... apples just came to mind.  If completely desparate for something munchy I'm allowed to gnosh on some raw vegetables on occasion.. yesterday I had a stalk of celery just to make the itch to chew go the hell away.

I'm trying to get rid of the chemical imbalance that I know currently exists in my body, and get back to a neutral alkalinity that's more conducive to healthy living.  Pleasant side effect is that it will also help me kick-start the reduction of my texas-sized ass, which is a bonus: I used to run a friggin' weight loss center and work out at least two hours a day, and I let myself get 50 pounds overweight in the last two years.  Not beating myself up anymore about how I got to this point... but I'm certainly aghast at it when I stop to think about what I've done to my body and my longterm physical health.

It's possible to fix: I know this.  I've guided hundreds of people through making significant lifestyle changes.  At the end of the day, it's all about will - and wasn't I just bitching about how my mental state isn't where it needs to be?  Basically, I'm scared that I won't stick with this and make myself healthier in every way I need to. 

I'm scared that I'm doomed to live a life of quiet desperation like so many choose to do. 
I think I'd rather jab myself in the face with a screwdriver.
I was going to be positive in this post, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside.
Bah.

 

( Pretty much crap... read if you will )

 

Lease is signed and in the mail along with a security deposit.

Talk about irrevocable decisions, right?

So in love.  So happy.  So ready for this all to happen already!

I'm continually stuck, at the moment, in what feels like a state of emotional suspended animation.  Primarily because I'm so action-oriented at all times... I identify a challenge, seek a solution, and then DO something.

It's not that there are huge problems at the moment... but I have all these solutions/actions that are *coming up*.  In 5 weeks, 7 weeks, whatever.  I'm still stuck in old patterns, physically re-enacting the same things, going into the office every day, etc... but my mind and emotions want to be past this juncture already.  The commuting and not sleeping and being constantly behind on everything doesn't necessarily help with getting through the waiting, of course.

Part of the challenge is that I think I'm really ready to be done with this emotional stage.  I'm very excited, and also completely and utterly terrified of what I'm getting myself into.  On the professional level, I'm looking at either succeeding in a huge way or failing in a huge way.  I have a history of failing in these situations, so I'm determined not to hit the ceiling of my own negative self-expectations.  However, it's freaking me out and I want to move from worrying-over-it to actually doing-it.  And that's going to take some time before it hits.

Personally, I'm also in a state of freaked-outed-ness that I'd like to get past.  I wish I could just say all my commitment issues magically disappeared when I realized I was in love and wanted to pursue this relationship seriously.. but that's not the case.  I'm forcing myself to take the next step (like signing a lease on a house.. I'm 27 years old and have lived around the world and this will be the first lease I've ever signed) but am completely terrified while I'm doing it.  It's really hard to express to the other person in the relationship, because it's not really about him - it's about me and my background, but how can it not sound like something personal?  I don't know of any way to get past it besides just forcing myself through.. sure is tiring.

Anyhow, I don't think there's a real point here.  I'm rambling because I can't get my head into work today since I'm so focused on everything in my life that doesn't involve this office or turning college kids into leaders.

To start - I'm completely moved in.. at least, my stuff is in a big pile at Tab's place.. and that's awesome!  We got SO much done this weekend, it's crazy!  In no particular order... hung out with friends, moved 30 miles, helped tear apart a bathroom (okay, Tab did most of it with his bare hands, which was sexy but I digress.. I watched and commented on occasion), discovered that someone somewhere once thought it was a good idea to shingle a closet (and fixed that nonsense post-haste), watched an awesome classic movie, made some money, fell a little further in love, and unpacked some of my clothes so I could get dressed for work this morning.  Productive, right?

( Cut for interest... )I'm really happy right now.  And girls, at least, will understand what I mean when I say it's not about the bathroom. ;)

Things are good in my life.  Generally great.  I'm in love, taking control of my professional life, and working to make life better now and in the future.

So I find myself wondering, on a daily basis - why the HELL am I so sad?

I know there are several answers to that question.. some are logical, some are medical, and some are just kinda silly to me.  But I'm really sick of feeling this way, and making T's life difficult because he's putting up with my moods when goodness-knows he's got a crazy amount of things on his own emotional plate.

Rawr.  Just, rawr.  I want to crawl under a rock for a few weeks and just hide from the world.  That's the last thing I should do, I know it would make things worse, but it's the solution I'm craving nearly every second of the day.

***
Six hours later, in a hotel room... and remarkably similar.  Blah.

9.5 weeks left, at least that's positive!

I got socked in the stomach at work today.  It wasn't expected in any fashion, and it continuously repeated for approximately four hours.

I think y'all know what I do, at least in a general sense, and what I'm known for: getting stuff done.  I'm not known for kumbayah and hand-holding in the process, although that comes into play every once in a great while.  For the most part, I'm extremely results-oriented and most appreciate others that are the same.  Because I have a focused drive, I've managed to accomplish something no one else has in the history of the company I work for: set us up to actually make money this year, rather than face another loss.

So imagine my surprise, walking into my "weekly" (read the sarcasm, we haven't had one in months) meeting with my boss today prepared to talk about workflow, changes I've made to our processes, and the general stress levels of my team given what we're doing... to find out he'd decided that I am in need of "feedback" from himself and the other manager (my peer).  He also informed me he'd decided to reach out to a team member that he knew I'd had challenges with in the past, so she could also give me "feedback" on how I should change.  He then told me that our plans for restructuring the organization hinged entirely upon my response and his satisfaction with it, to this candid "feedback" I'd be receiving.

Interesting.

So he started, telling me a couple things that were bothering him.  Interestingly, they all revolved around the fact that we'd never actually clarified most aspects of my current role - it wasn't an emotional thing at all.  I asked him to let me know what level of specific oversight he'd like into the decisions I make with my team, and that then I'd be able to accommodate him.  Pretty simple.

He then brought in Maria.  Little background here: When I moved to the EC and applied to this company, Maria hired me.  I basically started as her insanely overqualified assistant (with a ton of management background, being managed by someone with none whatsoever who had never worked anywhere else).  Within a couple months, I was no longer in that role.  Three months from now, I'm supposed to take over and become Maria's manager.  So... you can imagine there may be some tension there.

Maria proceeded to spew at me for approximately an hour about everything she thinks I do wrong.  She told me that she can't trust me, that I'm manipulative because I "get my way too much" and there's no other way it could happen, that I'm a huge bully that steps all over her all the time, that I'm unprofessional, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.  Basically, she had a case of nasty verbal diarrhea in my direction.  While I was forced to sit there and nod, listen politely, and somehow respond to this "feedback" in a way that would satisfy Gary.

When I offered to meet her in the middle, and invited her to let me know when she feels intimidated or bullied, her answer was "no".  And my boss sat there, and said nothing.  Gary then demanded to know whether I think it's important that I have Maria's trust, and said I should be asking her what I can do to regain it.  I refused at that point, telling him he owes me processing time before demanding an immediate snap-back.

Next he brought in someone at a lower level on the org chart.. that HE had approached and asked to come give me feedback.  She basically said: I think you take things I do as a personal attack.  My response: that's because I was told that you *were* personally attacking me.  We looked at each other, both agreed we didn't have a personal problem with one another but both have strong personalities that sometimes clash, and that was pretty much that.  This is very abbreviated, but I'm basically saying it wasn't a huge deal in the grand context of life and work.

At this point, we took a short break to get water and go to the bathroom.

When we returned, I tried to share with Gary how inappropriate I felt his handling of the meeting was, without saying that exactly.  I let him know that I felt blindsided.  I shared that "feedback" is not really a fair term when you're not going to ask someone for their perspective on a situation, but rather be completely one-sided.  I let him know that it's not really realistic to ask for "open and honest" reactions right after tellign me that my reactions had to please him or there would be negative consequences.  I said a lot of things, and probably talked for about half an hour just about how the meeting was going.

Then I told him I'm not, at this juncture, bought into the idea of this next promotion, and think we need to revisit it.  I don't feel that I'm a good cultural fit for this organization, based on the last few months and his behavior towards/about me.  I'm no longer willing to put in 70+ hours per week while being made to feel like I'm somehow "wrong" or a "bull in a china shop" by the person whose company I'm saving.. I'm not willing to feel emotionally attacked and drained after our "huddle meeting" at the beginning of every single shift.  I'm not willing, any longer, to stay in an emotionally unhealthy situation that couches passive-aggressive emotional manipulation in the guise of positive psychology and personal growth.

I'm certainly not willing to have someone I'm supposed to manage in three months have this kind of power over my future - where she complains about me, and because Gary's turned me into the office morale scapegoat (by the by, while also noting that my team is the most engaged, productive and dynamic in the company) he just buys into everything she says without EVER asking me about it.  It doesn't occur to him that I might not agree, or she might not be accurate in everything she says.  That she has her own reasons for feeling the way she does, some of which DO have to do with me and how I act at work, but a large portion of which certainly don't.  That she straight up lied to my face either yesterday morning or two months ago - because you can't, when candidly asked whether you'll be okay with the re-org, be "excited to have you managing me and get to be part of your team" while at the same time having a longtime feeling of "you bully me and I can't trust you at all".  It just doesn't f-ing work that way.

So... we ended up leaving the day both agreeing to think over the weekend about four possible options.  I think I know which one I really need to choose, but I'm terrified to do it.  The four options:

1.  I "accept the feedback" and "make changes" so Maria is happy - and then the re-org continues as planned.
2.  We consider changing the re-org so Maria is happy and not managed by me - essentially canceling the whole thing.
3.  We come to some sort of agreement wherein I continue to contribute as an Independent Contractor but no longer work in the office.
4.  I quit.

As a note, being fired has never been on the table.  Too damn bad, in my opinion... but, while this might sound egoistic, I'm actually too valuable to this company for Gary to fire me.  I've brought too much with me, and achieved results no one else has ever been able to pull off.

I'm leaning towards option #3.  There's no real drive towards a positive solution here, in my opinion, that takes all people into account.  I've been the scapegoat for some time in the office - being the top performer frequently causes that type of reaction.  It's very easy to point your finger at the person who's running circles around you in terms of achievement - they're quite visible.  It's emotionally unhealthy to continue with that - I've spent the last several weeks convincing myself every day not to quit because of this type of crap.  Yesterday was basically just a giant catalyzer towards action.

This is terrifying, however.  If I go the IC route, I'm leaving behind a VERY secure job.  I'll take a huge income hit, and have no certainty about how long it will continue.  With the income hit, I won't be able to afford my current house, so I'll need to move again.  It's a huge domino effect if I make this choice.

But I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to not stand up for myself... and I was physically sick today after this ridiculous meeting because of just how victimized I felt.  It's not my style, and if it needs to be to remain an active part of this organization... Well, as I said before, I don't think I'm a cultural fit for this company.